Dear Friend,

It is such an honor to write to you again and encourage you in your walk with the Lord. This month, I am looking forward to traveling throughout the United States and sharing what the Lord has placed on my heart with many wonderful congregations. I’m especially excited to let you know that I will be hosting a Women’s Healing Meeting on Friday, October 3 at 7 PM CT at Millennial Church in Tulsa, OK. If you are in the area, I would love for you to join us! I believe this will be a very special time in God’s presence, and I am expectant for all He has in store for us. I encourage you to come with a heart full of faith — ready to worship, and to receive from the Word of God! For more information on this meeting, visit Renner.org/healing. 

Today, I just want to give you some advice about carrying on healthy relationships with other people. I have counseled many married women over the years, and many of the things I’m going to tell you are lessons I have learned in my own marriage, but I believe that the foundational truths of this teaching can help someone in any kind of relationship. Whether you’re married or dating or just navigating family dynamics and friendships, I hope you will take this advice to heart and let it change the way you approach the people in your life who you love.

*[If you started reading this from your email, begin reading here.]

Unfair Expectations

I have seen many instances in marriage where women set themselves up for failure from the very beginning of their married lives because they want their relationship with the man they love to meet all the needs of their hearts. Well, that just isn’t possible. There are some needs that we have that only Jesus can fulfill for us.

Psalm 18:1-2 says, “I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

Notice that verse 2 doesn’t say, “My husband” or “my best friend” or even “my brother or sister is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my strength, my shield, the horn of my salvation, and my stronghold.” That would be a lot of responsibility for one person’s shoulders! As wonderful as our friends and family might be, their shoulders are simply not that big, and our false expectation that any of them can meet our every need sets us up for undue disappointment. 

I have certainly faced that kind of disappointment before, and it was shortly after our family moved to the Soviet Union. You see, Rick was pouring himself into the work that we had come to do, busy with everything that comes with embarking on a new assignment from God. The vision he was carrying would prove to have a vast impact on that entire region of the world. However, it took an enormous amount of time and attention in those early days as Rick had to intently focus not only on constructing a physical church building, but also on raising up church leaders and laying the foundation for what was to become a huge ministry.

At the beginning, I was engaged in serving right at his side. I started and directed the praise and worship of our church, I helped Rick in the TV ministry, and I was blessed to be the stay-at-home mom of three wonderful little boys, who I even home-schooled for a time. But as Rick’s responsibilities and vision kept increasing, I began to feel that I was losing the place in his heart that belonged to me as his wife. Even though he was following God’s call as he was meant to, I began to harbor feelings of resentment and unforgiveness toward him because I felt so left out of his life.

Before I knew it, my negative feelings had so consumed me that I began to experience troubling symptoms in my body. At times, my hands and feet would go almost completely numb, and my unforgiveness opened the door to a great deal of fear in my life, including horrible panic attacks.

It took me much time to realize, but eventually, God revealed to me that, although my emotions were directed toward my husband, I was the source of my own bitterness and frustration. Like many women, I had great hopes that marriage would always be peaceful and happy, but the fact is, life often brings just the right circumstances to reveal our inner ugliness in full color. When we feel vulnerable and become needy toward others, that hidden ugliness floats right up to the surface and disrupts the peace and happiness we hoped for.

Fortunately for all of us, it’s often in our desperation that we discover the truth. As I struggled with all of those negative emotions concerning Rick and our marriage, I was desperately drawing close to God, and He was able to reveal to me the things that I was missing. You see, marriage is a beautiful thing. When you meet the love of your life, it’s okay to depend and lean on him or her, but God never intended for any of us to be totally dependent on another human being. I was putting too much pressure on Rick, expecting that he would meet all my needs, when my dependence really needed to be on God!

Perhaps you’re not yet married or don’t overly depend on your husband or wife, but you might be putting too much pressure on other relationships in your life. You may have an inordinate dependence on your friends or your children. Maybe it’s on your coworkers, your mentors, or your parents. It’s wonderful to have these people in your life, but Jesus wants you to trust Him with all your heart and to place your dependence completely on Him, something that no human relationship could take.

What’s wonderful is that when we realize this, we not only make ourselves happier, but we become better partners in our relationships. When I married Rick, I was holding on to the belief that he would be there for me at all times and would hold the answers to all my needs, but that was actually a selfish way to start a relationship. Over time, I realized that the Holy Spirit is the only One I should fully depend on, so I no longer felt the need to constantly look to Rick to meet all my needs. Once I settled that in my heart and allowed God to do a transforming work in me, I was able to concentrate more and more on what I could do for Rick instead of on what he could do for me. By turning my eyes to the Lord as my provider, I was free to enjoy Rick in a fresh, new way, and he was also able to enjoy our journey through life together in a way he’d never been able to before. I was finally able to give to him without wanting anything in return because of the secure, confident place I’d reached with the Lord. 

Work in Progress

Friend, we have to recognize that Jesus is the Rock of our salvation — immovable, unshakable, and unchanging. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6), and He’s the way out of whatever problem we’re facing in our relationships, even if it’s a problem of our own making.

I want to make sure you understand this, because it is only by truly seeking Him that you will be able to experience His help. 2 Corinthians 4:18 says, “…we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

This verse makes it clear that our attention matters. Studies have shown that when an object other than the road draws a driver’s attention, it is the driver’s instinct to steer the vehicle toward that object. Of course, if the driver allows himself to be distracted long enough, he will end up causing a wreck.

Similarly, what we are looking at and focusing on determines where we will go in life. If we’re not looking at the Word of God, our emotions will be unstable and will lead us astray, causing emotional havoc and wreckage in our lives and relationships. So we must ask ourselves, “What has my attention? What am I looking at?” When we put our focus on Him, He holds us firmly in place. He alone provides a place of security that’s absolutely trustworthy, different from any place of safety and protection we’ve ever known. His gift of deliverance and freedom is deeper, wider, and higher than any pain or affliction that comes our way.

This type of deliverance usually doesn’t come through someone laying hands on us, and it usually doesn’t come overnight. Most often, we receive this kind of deliverance through a long process of seeking and working to draw near to the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Many times, we say that we want to grow in Christ, but we also want a quick way out of every test, trial, and feeling of discomfort, so I want to encourage you to watch out for that attitude. When trouble comes to each one of us and presses hard against our faith, we are presented with an opportunity for growth. We have to seize that opportunity because each of us is responsible for the condition of our own heart, regardless of our circumstances. Our deliverance has been completely paid for, but we must each make the decision to accept the freedom and healing that He has provided for us. Our growth will only happen as we choose to respond to Him and His Word with faith and humility, even when we feel we’ve been wronged or treated unfairly.

It may seem unfair that we have to put in all this work, especially if the wrong in a relationship is not our fault, but that is the only way we’ll ever be able to live in a healthy relationship with others. I have ministered to many women who have been abused and betrayed by someone close to them, and I can say from watching them that if you are bound in any way, you do not have to be stuck in that place. The Word of God can bring deliverance, growth, change, and confidence in who you are in Jesus. You can go to Him and let Him free you from the chains that have bound you — even the chains that may have to do with someone else’s choices.

The Lord can redeem any life in any situation, so we can be confident that whether our pain is a result of someone else’s actions or our own negative thoughts, God will turn it for good. Sometimes, we may not even realize what the source of our pain is, but He can reveal it to us and lead us to a better place, so we need to be actively seeking Him all the time so that He can lead us on the right path to a healthy relationship.

It’s Your Choice

In today’s world, it seems like we see so many times where people walk away from their marriage when things get hard or the relationship appears to be stagnant, and they do it only to get into another marriage where they have the same expectation that their “happily ever after” will somehow be ready-made with little or no effort on their part. I hope that this teaching has really helped you to see that this is just not the case. Each one of us is on a journey of growth and change, and that journey doesn’t just end when you find the love of your life or become a parent or find a friend who understands you. This is a lifelong journey, and it is wonderful to have people to share it with — as long as you are sharing it with God as well.

God made relationships, so He knows how to build a beautiful, healthy relationship, and it stands to reason that we need His help to nourish this lifelong process. Yielding to Him may not always be easy, because our flesh enjoys taking control, leaning on our own understanding, and having everything our own way, especially in our dealings with other people, but that is not God’s way, and His way is the only one that He will bless, prosper, and crown with His grace. Whatever relationship you are pursuing in this season of your life, God needs to be in it, so make sure that you are depending on Him rather than on another person who is just as unsteady as you. Learn to accept your responsibility so that you can do the hard work of searching yourself and making your relationship work.

I am so honored to have been able to share with you today, and I just want to remind you that we want to support you. Whether you’re struggling with a changing friendship, considering marriage, or needing freedom from dependence on someone else, prayer is a powerful tool,  and here at Renner Ministries, we have a prayer team who is ready to stand with you for anything you need. Whatever you might need prayer for, we are ready to receive your request, so just call 1.844.473.6637 or send an email to prayer@deniserenner.org. We are believing for a radical change in your situation!

Before I close, I want to remind you to come join me at Millennial Church in Tulsa, OK, on Friday, October 3 for my Women’s Healing Meeting! It is going to be such a powerful time together! And don’t forget to visit Renner.org/healing for more details. I also invite you to watch my weekly program, TIME with Denise Renner, live every Monday at 7 AM CT on YouTube or Facebook. You can also catch my program on Facebook every Wednesday at 12 PM CT, and all past programs are available on my Facebook page, and my YouTube channel. You can even watch my program on Victory channel or Daystar at 2 PM CT on Mondays or 8 AM CT Wednesdays respectively. I truly hope that you will take any of these opportunities to join me for more teachings that I pray will encourage you and help you to grow in the Lord.

We are moving forward together,

Denise Renner