Q:  The person who abused me is not remorseful and avoids contact with me. What does forgiveness mean in such a situation, where reconciliation is not possible and guilt is not recognized?

A.  A lot of times when someone hurts or offends you, you can just settle it in your own heart.

You don’t have to say anything to anybody except the Lord: “Lord, I’m coming to You with this. Forgive me, Lord, for having bad thoughts about that person. I forgive them and release them to You.”

That prayer is between you and Jesus, and that’s just fine. You see, when someone really hurts us, we can get so caught up in those feelings that we forget that our feelings and the contents of our hearts are between us and God — nobody else is responsible.

In fact, Ephesians 4:32 says, “And be kind one to another, tenderhearted, and forgiving one another. Even as God through Christ has forgiven you.” It doesn’t say anything about the person who hurt you. It’s an instruction to us, that we keep our own hearts tender, and that we forgive as we’ve been forgiven.

In fact, sometimes we need to do more than just forgive them. Sometimes we hold onto those feelings, and they cause us to sin against the person who hurt us. I’ve counseled many women in marriage, and I’ve heard several amazing stories where a wife whose husband had hurt her or cheated on her was able to come to him and say, “Forgive me for how I’ve hated you in my heart and for how I’ve talked about you. I was wrong in those things. Please, forgive me.”

What is so amazing is that, more than once, that act of humble repentance opens up the door for the husband to say, “Why are you asking my forgiveness? I should be asking for that from you!”

Friend, forgiveness opens the door for God to move in our relationships. I’ve seen broken relationships restored. I’ve even seen divorced couples get back together because someone was able to admit where she was wrong and humbly ask for forgiveness — even from the person who had hurt her.

I know that sounds hard, and it is, but it’s not something we are expected to do in our own willpower. It’s not possible because we’re so good and wonderful — it’s possible because we have God’s power on the inside.

Friend, you can’t change that person who hurt you. You’re not responsible for whether or not they apologize or even feel guilty about what they did, but what you can do is say, “Lord, Your love is on the inside of me. You call me to forgive, and I submit, Lord. I recognize the power that you’ve given me on the inside.”

All that you’re responsible for your own heart, and He has already given you what you need to take care of that.